2021 in words

I can breathe. That is how I would describe 2021. I feel like my broken pieces started coming together in 2021. Looking at the events in my life in 2021 old me or an outsider would have thought that this would be my worst year. Between Kenya School of Law, not having a job and depending on an unstable side hustle this would definitely have been my worst year. But anyone who says that 2021 was my worst year must not have seen me in 2019 and 2020. We always hear the word ‘rock bottom’ and unless life has more in store for me I feel like I hit rock bottom in 2019 and 2020. So compared to those two years, 2021 has been Christmas to say the least. When your head has been under water for so long, your favorite moment stops being when you won an award, when you got married, when you finished school or when your business started flourishing. Your favorite moment becomes when your head was above the water and you could finally breath. That’s what 2021 feels to me.

My favorite parts of 2021

Healing

Healing means different things for different people. I’m not sure I can put healing into words but this year has felt like healing. I remember some time back waking up and the first thing I would do in the morning was cry. I would also retire to bed at night and once again the last thing I would do before sleeping is crying. This year I’ve had those moments but they’ve been fewer so I know I’m making progress. One day at a time and I know i’ll get my happiness back eventually.

Winning the Katiba Institute Human Rights Essay Award.

If you know me well then you know that I’ve always talked about wanting to be a Public Interest Litigation lawyer. I want to use my legal knowledge to advocate for those who can’t advocate for themselves. I want to push humanity forward. Give back to society. Winning that award felt like God was telling me “Keep going baby, that’s where you are supposed to be, keep chasing that path”. I think God has my back and whatever career choices I make will be in line with my destiny.

I’m also grateful for the gift of family, genuine friends, life, health peace, food, a place to live in and all things that have been a million little miracles for me in 2021.

What I didn’t love about 2021

I don’t think I’ve ever fallen in love. But it happened in 2021. I think love is when you deeply care for someone. Thinking of spending time with them brings you so much joy. I felt that for a while there with this guy. I thought he understood pain, he understood me and I was in love, I tell you brethren. However, it didn’t take long for me to realize that he didn’t love me. How did I know? His actions. He did things that made me realize that I was the only one in love and I can tell you it hurt and still hurts. I read a thread on twitter recently that talked about how people still hurt from heartbreaks two or three years later. For me it’s been months and I’m still hurt. I hope I find the courage to move on. It is one thing to break up with a person you never really loved. You were just hanging out. But to break up with someone who you actually loved, now that hurts. And the pain of unrequited love, y’all have no idea. It hurt. But on the flip side, I was in love and in that moment it felt good. It feels good to love. I can tell you that much. But when that love turns sour, everything becomes salty and you start wondering if loving is worth it.

What next for 2022

I told my therapist one time “I have a sponge bob heart”. I enjoy every scene on sponge bob. It is my all-time favorite cartoon show. One of my best scenes is when sponge bob decides to be a ‘bad boy’. When sponge bob is on the road after resolving to be a ‘bad boy’ he meets this old lady and starts fighting the urge to help her. Bad boy in this case is used to mean someone who doesn’t care about anything else except themselves. However hard sponge bob tried he just couldn’t resist the urge to help her and he ended up helping the old lady cross the road.

I think I have a lot of similarities as sponge bob. I genuinely care a lot about other people and I always want to help. I go allll in. I get it from my dad. Growing up I saw my dad pay fare for people whom the conductors wanted to evict from the vehicle for non-payment of fare among other acts of kindness that my dad shown to people. He would always come through and pay for them. I learned kindness and so did my siblings.

However, caring a lot for other people comes at a cost. People always tend to take advantage of that kindness and use you to meet their own ends. I have travelled far to attend friends’ events, friends who I know wouldn’t lift a finger in case I got in trouble. I have moved mountains for people who wouldn’t do shit for me. Sometimes I honestly don’t care whether it gets reciprocated or not. But I want learn to choose myself and put a limit to how much I go all out for other people.

I want to learn to say no and reciprocate the same energy that I’m given.

More like…WANT TO HAVE THE COURAGE TO CHOOSE MYSELF IN 2022

A song that best describes my 2021 is Before and After by Maverick Music and Elevation worship.

Thank you guys for your support on this blog this year.

Thanks for also supporting sauti.ya.mama’s Instagram page which started and has grown this year💗💗💗

You can find me on Instagram here..

Merry Christmas and have yourself a lovely new year💖💖💖💖

Immaculate Were

21st December 2021

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